cottoncandy (:

2012-01-26T13:20:00.004+08:00

My aim is to be vulnerable. For it is only when I allow myself to be weak that I will truly know who I am. Muster strength to face the weakness and not hide it. I promised to not speak, for I am strange, flawed and perhaps still insecure. But that is not me. I will continue speaking, and find out more about the ones around me.

I will slowly forget the way I looked at you, and look at you in a new light. You are someone I will trust and love, not in the way I trusted and loved. If I really did love anyone. Or do I still?

2012-01-19T01:14:00.003+08:00

I have crossed the line that shouldn't exist but

will gladly retreat to avoid confusion.

2012-01-16T11:15:00.005+08:00

My body is not me. "I am the person trapped in my body". Nobody knows who I really am. Because they look at you with (their) eyes, hear you with (their) ears when you speak. I am I when I am silent, when the world can't hear me, when i speak not with my mouth but within my body.

----------------

it feels extremely strange to be posting whatever you have posted on facebook here, but facebook will disappear one day and this will not. I want to remember what I thought of on 15th January 2012.

I don't know why I posted it on facebook when I have mixed feelings about declaring who we are on that platform. Maybe I wanted to know how many people feel that way. Maybe I just want people to know that was on my mind.

Sometimes I don't understand why we have this need to tell people what we're thinking, or who we are. Sometimes it feels as though talking should be prohibited, because the genuine us is the one that does not have to care about how we present ourselves to others. But sometimes I also feel like words slip out of my mouth unconsciously, that there is nothing about "presentation" at all.

I don't mean 'nice packaging to leave a better impression on others' form of 'presentation'. Presentation as in, even when we talk about our flaws, or are being really, really honest about what we feel, there is an audience we have to speak to, and we have to tweak it slightly for sake of clarity and expression.

And back to my quote (it feels good to call it 'my quote', so i shall just call it 'my quote' haha). People really just don't know who the hell we are. They interpret everything - our words, our expressions, our actions in their own manner. And when we are conscious that words are spoken for others to be heard, we unconsciously reshape them. Then they become less true to us.

If we are social animals, why do I struggle with communication?

2012-01-16T10:36:00.004+08:00

Blonde Redhead - Silently

Silently, I wish to sail into your port. I am your sailor.
Quietly, I drop my weight into your sea. I drop my anchor.

-

I just like it. The music. This song.

Ok, i found out about this band because i was intrigued by someone who was listening to it. but i truly honestly love this song.

2012-01-15T12:31:00.003+08:00

people have been spamming this on my newsfeed. But this video doesn't 'deserve' the word "spam". it's about an autistic child who started voicing out her thoughts at the age of 11 with the help of a computer. 11 year old child with flailing arms, unable to communicate with the world, but typed these:

"you don't know what it feels like to be me, when you can't sit still because your legs feel like they are on fire, or it feels like there are a hundred ants crawling up your arms."

"I want something that will put out the fire"

"it's a way for us to drown out all sensory input that overloads us all at once. We create output to block our input."

"our brains are wired differently. We take in many sounds and conversations all at once. I take over a thousand pictures of a person's face when i look at them. That's why we have a hard time looking at people."

"people assume I am dumb because I can't talk. It's hard to be autistic because no one understands me"

"I am autistic, but that is not who I am. Take time to know who I am, before you judge me."

"it told us that there were a lot more going in there (her mind) than we knew"

-------------------------------

feel like people are honestly not who they appear to be. From her words, she feels just like any normal being trapped in a body with extra sensitive sensory preceptors. Somehow, whatever she had typed (about the "fire in (her) legs" she feels) makes autism seem much less complicated than we think it is. It feels less crazy, more normal. It doesn't feel so much of a "mental retardation", but malfunction of sensory preceptors and the part of the brain that is responsible for these sensations.

Not "retarded".

Many of these mysteries are unlocked with the help of extraordinary cases like hers, and with the support of others. (compare: her and another autistic kid being sent to a mental hospital).

There are so many other things about the human brain we can't decipher, thoughts all in a jumble of red squishy tubes. But they sound so simple scientifically. x part of brain is damaged, therefore patient behaves in an abnormal manner. y part of patient's brain is more active than others, thus this phenomenon occurs.

How do we explain all these? People who feel detached from reality, depression, bipolar disorder. How do we explain these thoughts we all have in our heads, thoughts "normal" people have?

How do we understand everything? I want to know about everything about this world. Especially this "inner" world. Because... because.. I don't know, I'm just drawn to it. Nothing else matters.

2012-01-15T01:09:00.003+08:00

shallow is such a shallow word.

i have been feeling shallow the past few weeks. It's all crap here.
i feel extremely weird now.

2012-01-11T14:04:00.003+08:00

Wicked - For good (with lyrics)

I don't usually like videos with black backgrounds and brightly coloured lyrics, but i kind of like the lyrics though they're so simple and straightforward. and quite honest?

memories serve as bonds. i often forget that.

-

wrote a letter, replied to another. I feel a step closer to loving people again. I am vulnerable to the ones i trust.

2012-01-08T00:28:00.001+08:00

Conversations with two people in two days:

I don't love others enough

2012-01-06T02:05:00.006+08:00

i am talking to Sarah right now, and she is tired but i feel we are having a thought-stimulating conversaton and would like to continue. (maybe she is tired cause i was doing more of the talking and not listening that much?) Maybe it's true when my friend says i'm really tiring to be with. i'm reminded of how my mom says she sometimes falls asleep listening to what my dad has to say. But if i stop myself from asking questions, I am not being myself in front of her. Ok i am hopeless:

emmafung92: so why do we like talking to each other??
sarahquek: where did the question come from again?
emmafung92: you should know by now that questions come to me like.. feathers i randomly pluck from the air
sarahquek: i do not pluck FEATHERS from the air

realised that we are both stubborn and we talk to each other because it concretizes our thoughts, but we might not necessarily agree with each other and listen to each other. By definition, that is not a 'good conversation' where ideas are conveyed to each other, but i think we still enjoy conversations with each other because we have at least got a glimpse of each other's point of view, and it is important to look at a pov that is different from yours.

---------

Today I thought of something really important, but since I've written it down in my diary I feel I don't have to write it here again, because it doesn't matter if people know what I'm thinking. I've already told one person about it and that is enough.

But for memories' sake, (cause i scroll through this bog more often than i flip through my diary), it's somewhere along the lines of how, i quote, "a quiet existence is the way to go". There is probably not happiness, but calmness in acting in the most natural manner without a care in the world about what people think about me, whether they look up to me (or down on me), or whether i am 'good enough'.

50/50 Trailer 2011 HD

2012-01-05T01:14:00.000+08:00

The general audience react at the same few scenes, but others cry more than others at scenes which remind them of themselves.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt reminds me of 500 days of summer, which reminds me of things I no longer care about.

2012-01-04T22:55:00.007+08:00

When i see people like her who can be so happy with sweet nothings, some part of me cringes. i'll never be happy and like a sun bathing the ones around me with brightness and warmth. simplicity is like an unattainable goal, satisfaction's light years away. i'm drawn to the beauty of complexity, yet it does not give me happiness which is most easily attained through simplicity.

4th january,

11:08 pm
i have decided to try my best to make the ones around me happy, and not give only after i've received.

11:40 pm
i want to be better at accepting others

11:41 pm
today i painted skin with various colours, guided by my mood.

2012-01-03T11:58:00.001+08:00

i should make resolutions and reflections

from 2046

2012-01-02T11:55:00.002+08:00

2012-01-02T11:49:00.004+08:00

I really hate how I make myself say I don't find the point in xx festival, or even birthdays, and actually bother to find many reasons when they're (probably) all for the sole reason of getting rid of this emotion called sadness. I hate how sad they make me and the worst part is that I'm the one who caused all these. So I get tired of talking to people but expect to have someone by my side.

Talk about ridiculous.

2011-12-31T12:29:00.002+08:00

i have decided to be whoever i want to be at whatever point in time and never worry about fitting into this general idea of a personality i think i have. maybe i'm a little stranger than others in the sense that the way i act differ greatly in front of different people. but i am finally settled with the fact that it does not mean i have facades - my thoughts and moods are probably just easily affected by people, environment around me and (strangely, the state of my body).

-------

i feel there is no need to say "the new year means nothing to me, it is just another day" anymore, because i've said it so many times in the past and it's so deeply ingrained in me that there is no need to even speak of it.

i don't feel the need to live our life in years and months anymore, when our life is made up of experiences that flow like a river, are never ending, continuous, and therefore it is artificial to mark it out with time.

i wrote this to remind myself that this thought crossed my mind on 31st december, 12 :35pm.

2011-12-31T01:15:00.004+08:00

i actually dislike the way i write lately. it's like the non-fiction books i read. i really quite dislike it even though i prefer reading non-fiction to fiction. maybe i should stop writing here for a while, until they start getting less factual. this is a reflection of my state of mind: less emotions and more evaluation. it's not exactky writing, it's really merely a storage space for my thoughts.

i feel so dry and boring. but maybe this is me. that's ok.

2011-12-28T09:16:00.000+08:00

My heart hurts

2011-12-27T04:12:00.001+08:00

There are no longer traces of you here, so before you completely blend into the crowds of acquaintances in my mind, I'd like to remind myself that you once existed on one of the pedestals.

2011-12-26T20:23:00.004+08:00

"Re: why do humans express themselves?

People express themselves because humans as social beings, both want to know
about other people, and want others to know about them. This is why we speak and
write. Sometimes other tools, such as poetry, music and drawing, are more
effective ways of expressing themselves, hence they are used. "

---

I keep stopping myself from "showing myself to others" and therefore have become very reserved lately. Maybe because I'm sick of that side of me that always feels inferior, and sick of the past me who always said and did things that would hopefully reach the standards of others. I stop myself from speaking to prevent that from happening. Obviously the wrong way to do it, but what else?

Why must we be social animals, why must I feel lonely, why do I need love, why can't I just live myself and (really) be happy with it? I prefer to be alone only because I dislike awkward small talks I have with most people, not because I really enjoy it. I don't know what made me hate interaction so much. Bad experiences? of what sort? I don't even know. Or rahter, why do I find it so difficult to live with people?

-

Do people know who I really am?

2011-12-26T17:30:00.014+08:00

USS on 25th december 2011. It's funny how I might look a little more like my brother's gf cause yahui (his real gf) looks sooo much like him. Both of us went to USS with yahui and her siblings because our parents are away in HK. More freedom and more privacy, finally.

Sometimes I wish my brother and I would be closer as siblings, like those that can really talk to each other. But I guess it's good enough that we don't quarrel and we do nice things for each other sometimes and it helps that he's really like an older brother and patient most of the time.

crashed nic's family bbq (with her freaky friends) after that. Didn't get to take any photos so here's one we took at old school last week. I like her family (and many many siblings)

2011 vs 2010

@ Timbre Old School. Hi nickicksdicks who probably won't read this, the cwazee one with all the interesting stories, the one who's anti-social as well and whom I secretly think is quite like me, it's always been quite comfortable hanging out with you :)

4th september 2011. We actually look a little odd as friends and I really don't know how we became friends but I really like talking to you all the same (even though we have such different view points at times). And even then, we get each other. Can't imagine telling anything to anyone else. Cheers to the person who concretizes my abstract thoughts hahah.

---------------------

Despite this post being so filled with people, I am feeling quite lonely at this moment. Thinking of "who am I important to, who is important to me?" depresses me. The answer is, none.

All I'm thinking while looking through photo albums is that photos really mean nothing at all. They make people appear so close when they are not. Not all the time, of course, but you really can't tell much just from photos alone.

2011-12-24T20:50:00.001+08:00

Christmas.. okay.

2011-12-23T10:48:00.003+08:00

Knowing the meaning of things is the most important to me. The ways in which meaning is presented in the form of words, pictures or sounds (in general, skills in art, music, language) are interesting, but they are just, skills. They are things that belong in an outer,(physical) world.

There are two worlds: the inner, the outer. Thoughts are abstract, and in the inner world. Anything else is concrete, belonging to the outer world.

I feel that nothing matters more than the abstract world. Living in the physical world can be tiring, for you sometimes have to spend effort making your presence known. I don't even mean an impressive presence, even a normal person unconsciously says things as if to say: this is me.

Given our short period of interaction with others, we can only get to know someone by taking note of their outer appearances, few sentences they say. So we say "first impression counts" and try our best to use clothes to represent us, say things to be seen a certain way. So tiring and painful.

It is better to live in my own world, and let those want to enter, in. I don't want to spend effort making my personality known to others. (for whatever purpose: friendship, jobs) The question is, how long can one survive in this (physical) world living this way?

Moreover, the very act of communication is actually a concrete way of conveying abstract thoughts - it is still concrete - your thoughts are affected by linguistic ability, and because everybody's interpretation of words differ, thoughts you want to convey can be distorted. If that is the case, the only truth is the inner world sealed within yourself.

-

I figured something. The part of art I've always liked more is the meaning behind a particular piece. Some artists have impressive skills I can admire for hours, but what sticks with me is what the artist wanted to say (which relates to me). In art, meaning comes hand in hand with skill, because meaning can only be conveyed with good skill and presentation. I don't mean only skills like brushstrokes etc, but also the choice of subject matter, time frame selected. In art, meaning can only come with good presentation and skill. One half of the package does not interest me as much as the other, I think.

-

Also, I am learning to say what I really feel. Often, we say things that are affected by our subconscious. Subconscious sounds like a fancy and non-accessible term, but in this context, I think the subconscious refers to our very natural and uncontrollable intinctive reaction towards certain emotions and situations. [eg. someone denying his feelings towards someone (person A) actually really has feelings towards (person A), but is denying it because subconsciously, he might be afraid of rejection and would rather not have others know about it, to minimize the chances of rejection. If I am able to identify my instinctive patterns, I'd be more able to notice what I really feel.

2011-12-19T01:26:00.002+08:00

Why do I feel like communication is so tiring when I know what's painful should be the absence of communication? Why on earth is everything labelled as small talk in my mind, and I feel so drained of energy and tired whenever I speak to.. almost everyone?

So what is communication? Communication is about sharing and listening - listening is not about simply nodding your head, but about responding as well.

Lately, I haven't been able to talk to others because I often can't find anything to say. Perhaps it's because I haven't been listening attentively, haven't cared about anyone enough. I want to apologize for always disappearing after exchanging one or two sentences, for ignoring texts or replying only after a week or a few.

2011-12-19T00:45:00.002+08:00

I feel inferior and am afraid to speak, be it the sharing of thoughts/insights/random musings or the expression of any emotions (fortunately or unfortunately quite lacking these days), just in case whatever I say turn out to be too muddled up. Just like how I don't like working hard because I'm afraid to find out I'm not good enough.

Just that.. I don't know what "good enough" means. Nothing's ever good enough for... recognition? respect? love? acceptance? Whenever I think of this list, I realize I don't even know what I'm looking for. Acceptance maybe? Self acceptance or acceptance from others? Or.. what?

I'm afraid I won't do well this time, and I still hate myself for being so careless during the exams, for making rash decisions. Also, I hate myself for feeling inferior, when I know I have every reason not to be. But I can't stop feeling that way, can't help evaluating my self worth with every word I say, every thing I do. I name this devil inferiority, I want to kill it because it's taking away even the things I used to be good at.

2011-12-15T22:16:00.000+08:00

How does one learn to love herself?

2011-12-14T14:19:00.002+08:00

Am in the particular stage where I am penning down all my thoughts in my diary instead of this space because I feel like what's written here must be my final say, an essay, instead of a documentation of my processes of thought. In essence, I am afraid of saying the wrong things. I am reluctant to speak because I feel the people will normally take your words as (your stand), because they probably do not have the chance to hear your other stand at another point in time. People are always in a process of change, and nothing is ever the final say.

I do not like discussions, I only like asking and getting answers, and evaluating answers on my own. Because (I think) people can get defensive (over their ideas/argument) and judge even your evaluation. This should be a thinking I should change.

(edit: I still ended up typing quite abit..)

------

Today I read three chapters of "moonwalking with Einstein" about human memory and what struck me the most is that memory is not a by-product of expertise, but the essence of expertise. In other words, to have great expertise is to have a great bank of retained information regarding that field gained after time. (instead of having memory of things of that field because of a particular skill. -actually this sentence does not even make sense now -)

Also, in the context of chess playing: professional chess players are normally experienced players (roughly 9 years of playing etc) who do not use on-the-spot thinking during competitions unlike non-experienced players. They play intuitively because they have the "skills" drilled into their muscle memory.

(I will stop here because I might end up writing a summary and summaries normally get me quite frustrated because I often have too much to say, and makes me feel like I HAVE to get a point across. When I actually don't have to.) Anyway.

-----------

So I did an experiment while playing piano today, and crossed my hands to play it. Meaning, playing the right-hand parts on the lower octave, and the left-hand parts on the higher octave. (instead of RH on higher octave and LH on lower octave).

Discovered that songs I've learnt when I was young came to me naturally - the fingerings just came to me and I didn't have to look at scores (probably because they were already in my "muscle memory". So when I swapped hands to play, there were absolutely no problems in doing so even though the song sounded weird.

As I grew older, I became more sensitive to the relationship between notes and chords and started playing "by ear", meaning I memorize pieces by the way the pieces sound, not so much of the positions of the fingerings visually/by looking at the scores. So when I tried to play with the position of my hands swapped around, I couldn't do it properly, because the piece sounded weird, different from how I usually learned them.

Honestly I do not know which way of learning is better.

Also, the classical pieces seemed easier to play with swapped hands than the ones in the 20th century/impressionistic pieces (eg. by Debussy). Probably because classical pieces were created more structually and therefore easier to break down? I'm not sure about this, maybe google can help.

One last thing I remembered from the book:

our memory is never, static - it is always being shaped by our experience.

6 more chapters to go but I have to study Jap now. Sayonara.

2011-12-07T17:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why I hate the word "simple" so much.

2011-12-07T00:30:00.006+08:00

Just watched in the mood for love (花樣年華).

Blue Valentine twice in two days.

You are the apple of my eye (那些年，我們一起追的女孩) ~ a week ago.

Utterly confused on what love is all about.

In all honesty I didn't find the last as great as it was said to be, maybe I should watch it again. That said, it was still light hearted, sweet and quite enjoyable. And safe from cliched endings.

Blue Valentine was so raw, it speaks of the truth. There is something new you can pick up after each watch, it will be a movie I will review at least once a year. The breakdown of a relationship.. I tried to rationalize it many times, but come to a different conclusion every time. Trust and love is hinged upon the past, history, so many things untold..

In the mood for love had brilliant, captivating scenes and meaningful use of visuals. I like how the older movies move in a slower pace and make greater use of symbols, giving audiences more space to think. I loved the smart use of visual clues and repetition to aid in the stringing up of evidence and emotional connection to the characters. Also, the lingering touch of the music. I quote: "A movie suffused with ravishing physical beauty and infinite sadness".

Blue Valentine: "How do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?"

花樣年華: "Feelings can creep up just like that. I thought I was in control"

Similar quotes, I feel, by no coincidence. I find the entire concept of love (a.. concept) so hard to grasp. What is it?

He remembers those vanished years. As though looking throusth a dusty window pane, the past is something he could see, but not touch.

And everything he sees is blurred and indistinct.

-------------------------

Feel like "modern" movies sometimes move in such a blur, that thoughts only reside in your mind for that split second before it gets distracted by the next scene. So all you're left with at the end of the movie is a state of confusion.

2046, royston tan and eric khoo films next on the list. My friend's going to lend me a copy of yumeji soon. Not forgetting the list my friends have given me. On top of that, I have signed up for japanese classes, plan to look for a piano teacher after my trip, find a job..

where can I find time for myself? The hour walk around the park felt important to me; I thought - it'd be nice to get away from home and find freedom, in a place where nobody recognizes me and I have the right the be lost in my thoughts.

I cannot stand it. The music for 花樣年華 is too beautiful.

2011-12-06T21:23:00.004+08:00

I teared while walking around the park in circles today, not due to (specific) issues, but because remembering hurts. I like cyclicity. I like that sense of familiarity which allows your mind to be in a place of its own, because you don't have to waste energy registering new images. I wrote a letter to four people in my head, though I don't know if I'll be able to remember everything or even end up writing them. My feelings are more accessible now.

The discovery of her hiding place has transformed me.

The words in my mind seem more beautiful. I'll stop here. I'm not even writing anything proper. These words make me puke.

Who are we to each other, I don't know anymore. We can't stay on this spot, we either move towards or away from each other. We don't trust each other, we don't listen to each other. Nothing about each other is important. Nothing is important. Make a decision now, to close the gap or to eliminate interaction, it hurts to see things wither away.

2011-12-03T16:31:00.001+08:00

"Swallow your feelings. Scoop them neatly and don’t let them spill or leave a stain. Chew them quickly – don’t savor them – just long enough to make them an unrecognizable mush before pushing them down to be dissolved in the acid below. Start small, just the ones you can handle: sadness when someone dies in a movie, anger at tech support. Those are the ones that make sense, that go down smooth.

Others are harder to swallow, the complex, multi-course meals made of layer after layer of uncertainty and guilt, warring flavors of disbelief and longing to believe, fear of getting what you want and fear of losing what you never had. It’s okay if you can’t choke them down right away, if they get stuck halfway and leave a lump in your throat, if they make you sick and some of them leak out through your eyes and nose or burst out of your mouth when you least expect it. It happens to the best of us. You just have to build up a tolerance. Consume them little by little, and before you know it, you’ll have room on your plate for something else, something better.

Just as you can’t remember the time before you ate solid food, soon it will become second nature. One day you’ll wonder when the last time you cried was, and find you can’t remember. That’s great, you’ll think, no one can hurt you now. No one can touch you. You are a pristine and impenetrable fortress of stoicism. Everything is blank and immaculate.

Carry on and don’t give it another thought. Not until someone asks you how you feel and you don’t have an answer because you just don’t know. Not until something happens and you laugh when you were supposed to cry because somewhere along the way the wires got crossed. Not until someone is sitting in front of you, spewing their feelings and begging for yours and all you can think is what a mess they’ve made in the place you’ve worked so hard to keep so tidy. "

from thoughtcatalog (link from sarah)

yes precisely

2011-12-03T00:48:00.002+08:00

I have serious issues with people, and I can't hide it at all.

For once I wish I were better at pretending.

2011-12-02T23:48:00.000+08:00

look and think: outward.

2011-11-30T14:46:00.006+08:00

Abstract vs Concrete thinkers

1) To some extent, concrete and abstract are domain specific. For example, for a mathematician, concepts like exponent and equation are second nature and relatively concrete in their meaning. However, that same mathematician might find concepts like value as used in political economy to be quite abstract.

2) The ability to think concretely and abstractly is also associated with the ability to transfer what is learned from one context to another. For example, a student who is a reasonably abstract thinker might learn the organization of an essay in English class and then transfer that learning to her writing in social studies class. In contrast, a concrete thinker might need to be specifically taught in both classes.

3) Abstraction is a relative concept, related to the age of the child. For a two year old, “the day after tomorrow” is a highly abstract concept. For a college student, the day after tomorrow is relatively concrete, as opposed to highly abstract ideas like Heisenberg’s Indeterminancy Principle.

-----------------------------------------------------------

points taken: There are no absolutes. Abstract/concrete thinkers aren't abstract/concrete thinkers in all situations, they're just mostly abstract/concrete. Though I must say I'm mostly abstract and people sometimes.. don't understand what I am talking about.

http://www.projectlearnet.org/tutorials/concrete_vs_abstract_thinking.html

still at the stage of not wanting to write everything here.

I found this article quite useful in the understanding of abstract vs concrete thinking.

2011-11-30T09:19:00.004+08:00

Never imagined it'd hurt a little. Slow, seeping kind of pain that reaches your core as time trickles by. Now bury it

- and add on more weight to it. Let the earth cover the murk and dream you will close your eyes before they burst.

Arctic Monkeys - Suck it and see

Meg & Dia - Rebecca

Mozella - Freezing

I like these.

2011-11-29T00:14:00.002+08:00

I don't want march to arrive. I want to hide away from everyone but I can't.

2011-11-23T18:46:00.000+08:00

ok don't. let. your. emotions. take. control.

2011-11-19T22:01:00.001+08:00

But I'm more attracted to the weaker side of people, not their strong, confident side.

Because it makes me feel like I can communicate with them.

2011-11-15T13:44:00.004+08:00

19 years of my life I've been blindfolded, dipping my hands into a bag. A bag of talents, abilities. Or you can just call them 'skills'. Each time I draw something out, I play with it for awhile and sometimes, a gust of wind comes by and knocks it down.

My mind tells me, your hands are not strong enough to protect it, let it slip, try something else. So I draw something else out of the bag and the same thing happens. Sometimes, I think: life'll be much easier if I could just grab onto ONE thing and be good at it, and be terrible at everything else. not to be 'relatively okay/good' in a few things. But the problem's just with the mind which tells me to let go of anything that doesn't jump out at me. (they call it 'talent') A thought driven by the fear of not being exceptional even after you've tried.

-

Many things slip past our fingers, and there is a sense of self-worth tagged to it, a continuous assessment of ourselves. Those assessments don't make you stronger, they weaken you. But how do you get rid of them? You know you have things in your hands, but you say 'not enough, not enough', and the fear springs up, making you lose everything you have.

Some days I feel I'm going nowhere. There is a wide gap between expectations and reality. Where did such sky-high expectations come from? Some people focus on reality and try to lower their expectations to narrow the gap. they get stronger each day. Some focus on what they can do and work hard on meeting their expectations.

Some focus on expectations and fear the reality. A wreck at the end of the day, because no matter how many times they tell you 'I think you'll be fine', that 'potential' always gets converted to fear, a sense of insignificance. Potential? Potential in what? Obviously this fear in me is too strong, because even after much improvement it's still as strong as ever. Stubborn root. .

We're rarely too weak (in our abilities). Just too bloody weak in the mind, or too afraid. I am a resident of my mind, not this world. I think they call it self-absorption.

2011-11-14T14:31:00.000+08:00

Time is like butter, it slips away from your fingers. I lost control today.

Completely lost control
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2011-11-10T18:58:00.001+08:00

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."
— Sylvia Plath

Got this from my friend (she doesn't really know I took this. Hi now you do, if you're reading this)

-

Read it a minute after I thought, 'actually I kind of enjoy locking myself up this year it's not that painful, really'. I don't think I want to pour my soul out after the exams. It must be rather filthy, full of self-centered crap. Gross.

-

And what is 'confidence'. Is it to have the confidence that you'll achieve that dream of yours? or is it the confidence that no matter what happens, you are who you are, you are special in your own way, and that not succeeding in one area doesn't mean you're a failure in life?

Maybe it's not confidence I have, I've just come to place of acceptance.

But sometimes I think acceptance is a form of escapism. It's like saying 'it's ok you're like that, don't be too harsh on yourself'. Then you stop trying too hard. I don't think nothing's ever impossible for anyone as long as they keep trying. But what's the point of trying so hard at something you're not naturally good at? (Or am I already tending towards escapism and laziness and what not?)

That thought kind of made me lose my drive. Which is why I'm suspecting it might be escapism under the facade of 'acceptance'.
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2011-10-24T21:57:00.000+08:00

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do
And only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get
Halfway through
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forget what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and
Disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you

--

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2011-10-16T17:44:00.001+08:00

Feeling kind of like, lonely, but don't feel like calling anybody up cause I don't know what to say in 10 minutes. Want to hug someone tight for say, 5 minutes, and feel all better and get back to work. And I hate studying for 'management of earthquakes, floods, volcano eruptions, mass movements'. Please don't appear on my script you prats.

2011-10-14T23:35:00.001+08:00

Today I felt as though she was able to assert her identity and even invited me to but I somehow couldn't; if my identity is revealed only when I'm alone or at best with one person I am close to - is that considered an identity? In the first place, why do we have to let others know "this is who I am"?

I live in my own world, a safe place where I can be whoever I want to be, go wherever my emotions take me. I can be volatile, free. Away from this world where a 'fluctuating personality' means "you are not yourself", for people like familiarity. Can this volatility be me? and if that is the case, there is no single person who will fully understand who I am - for they might have only seen a spot on the spectrum.

I can say this now, but I was so disturbed about not being able to 'let my personality show', the 'favourite part' of my personality. Interaction with people is tiring, we sometimes feel like putting forth our ideals to clearly state "this is me". Whatever for? I'm asking, whatever for, but at the same time, still finding a desire in asserting my identity.

-

On a side note, I realised: I'd rather connect with someone vulnerable. My instincts draw me to complexity like a moth to a flame. Complex people. To observe, to learn from, or to connect with.
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2011-10-13T00:04:00.001+08:00

Today I fought hard to tell myself to not give in to escapism but did for a few hours. Stopped myself from hitting the "call number" button and was successful, for a while. Now I am up, but with eyes so dry. Someone teach me the art of being simple. I should stop reading too much into questions, it's killing me. End of ranting.

2011-10-08T02:03:00.001+08:00

What are the reasons behind the differences between the way teachers speak to students, the way friends speak to each other, the way parents speak to their children, and the way couples speak to each other?

Is the role of an educator confined to someone generally more experienced and wise (normally older); can't two people of equal status take turns to 'educate' each other? The term 'learning' is usually used for two people of equal status. So what exactly gives one the right to be an 'educator' instead of merely being a person another can 'learn from'?

2011-10-05T20:54:00.001+08:00

Tearing puppet strings away from me.

2011-09-30T23:59:00.003+08:00

too tired to form sentences.

1) Why do humans express themselves? It's not just for communication is it? Writing in a [private] diary is a form of expression too, is it not?

2) Why are we judgemental

3) just because you like talking to someone doesn't mean they feel the same way. It's quite uh, sad but I'm over it. Don't know what to feel about it, shall just accept that as a fact. X thinks I'm not good enough and I think Y is not good enough, for the same reasons.

4) I glared at the dude next to me today cause I thought he asked a really dumb question. But my teacher answered it just like how he handled any question. Then I realised why I'm so afraid of asking questions in a classroom environment.

2011-09-27T17:41:00.001+08:00

By being vulnerable (showing our truest self, not hiding anything) we're not only prone to others' judgement, it's not as simple as that. Friendships might be at stake. Sometimes I feel like I'm better and choose not to talk to them (luckily I can only think of one person whom I treat this way). Trying to not be like that, it's such a terrible terrible thing to do. I will not hide my true self under any circumstance. And to not be afraid to do so, I must stop judging. As 'pathetic' as people say they are.
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2011-09-27T15:24:00.007+08:00

Loneliness.

Carl Jung says "loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible".

I haven't been communicating for the sake of: 1) wanting to (forcing myself to) experience and enjoy companionable silence, 2) having an excuse for my asocial behaviour, inability to share my views with others as of late.

(One must first understand my fear of silence when I'm with another. I feel silence is a gage of level of closeness, the amount of ideas/feelings two can communicate to each other)

I have lost my ability to communicate with others and allowed myself to not be engaged in conversations with others at all, thinking, 'it's okay, silence is okay'. Let myself slip into the 'asocial mode' and tell them 'yeah, don't feel like talking today'. Is silence really okay? Is it a sign of disrespect? Even with my closest friend, I don't like it all that much. I'd rather be alone.

I was extremely silent, lost in my own world. Didn't show my friend respect by checking my phone constantly, disengaged. Before we met, there were many things I wanted to ask. Not when I was in front of him. And also the very last day I met up with sarah, though we felt ok because we could normally talk.

It's so difficult to communicate ideas, thoughts, feelings. Expressing is easy, but communication is not. My thoughts are only revealed here, and when i am with sarah. these days, at least. but she is overseas. and lately, I haven't been expressing myself enough to let others know what i am thinking and reach out to me. (Really appreciated those who reached out to me). There's a question left unanswered: why am I so afraid to ask people personal questions about themselves?

I've been lonely these days. So much to say, but no one to say it to. It's not others' fault. I just feel like I can't talk to anyone without feeling selfish, self-absorbed. I can't contribute to anybody's life right now, can't afford to hang out with them often. If I want someone to talk to, it's this need to share my thoughts like carl jung said. It's similar to ranting, just not emotional ranting. It's not fair to them because they are busy to and I can't always receive from others without giving.

I'm bad at communicating and might end up merely expressing myself and that isn't desirable. it's better that I keep to myself isn't it. people like spending time with their friends, to engage in intellectual discussions, not listen to rants.

I don't want to be ranting about life to my friend who might be feeling alone herself. I don't want my other friend to feel made use of. And my other friend who is going through the same thing as I am. And I haven't been comfortable talking to anybody else.

My friend said the reason why we communicate is because we are social animals and there is no answer to that. Right now, I am expressing myself to nobody in particular and it feels better to type all these out to my blog because I just need to be clear of what I am thinking, and get things out of my system. Doing this because I can't communicate and can only express.

My heart will not be still. Tried forcing myself to concentrate but I can't. I hope I'll feel better after this and dive right back into my books.

2011-09-27T00:38:00.003+08:00

We watched crazy stupid love. Date shall be kept a mystery, only two know when. Maybe last month or today or a week before I don't know when. It tainted my ideals on love (not so much of the ending). Sometimes I don't know if we're living in an age where our ideas/ideals are too influenced by these things we watch. Who comes up with these storylines. For a moment I almost gave in to the thought of seeking temporary relief from physical comfort (according to the show, the pg13 kind). I remember our conversation about the fear of 'settling' for less. I sat there, felt lost. He said, "what a loser" when a character said he was still finding out if he's ready for marriage. I didn't find the insecurity in that guy particularly loserish. Maybe it's just me. I still liked the movie though. Maybe not so much of the movie itsef but the themes involved and it made me think about what I want. I felt a little less empty today. And I liked the company. Even though I'm not so sure if worked the other way round. I don't feel like talking to anyone today. But that'll bore people. So I ended up doing weird things. And said bye. Tomorrow will be a new day. Start of a new month.

2011-09-17T15:01:00.000+08:00

so dead.

2011-09-09T18:05:00.002+08:00

I've been listening to John Mayer's songs all day & night because I downloaded several albums and I'm loving them.

If anybody loves Norah Jones as much as I do :)

Norah Jones & John Mayer - Don't know why/Your Body is a wonderland (absolutely smooth transition..!)

Neon

The Heart of Life

Vultures

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

Daughters

And this is my favourite one:

Comfortable

AND THIS. THIS. THIS MAKES YOUR HEART SOARRRRR

Joe Hisaishi with New Japan Philharmonic Dream world Orchestra - Laputa suite (live)

2011-09-09T16:57:00.004+08:00

They say you have to become a robot while doing your A's. Look at this space, I've become half robotic.

Still not a hard working, productive, efficient robot for I daydream so much of my time away but at least my mind's set to being a robot. There is exactly two months left, i feel like I only have one. There is so much to do, so much for this incoherent mind to handle. I think I'm not naturally suited for this system for my thoughts are not as linear.

But I'm going to do it anyway. Someone tell me two months is enough. Tell me it is enough, tell me I can structure my thoughts the way they want me to in two months. They are still all over the place.

There are many changes in my life right now, my friend is leaving and my dad is coming home for good in just two days. The house will be much noisier, there'll be less private space, more control... well all wise men say "we take whatever they throw at us". As much as I dislike motivational quotes, they make sense.

2011-09-07T00:35:00.003+08:00

let this place die for now. it shall become a ranting place.

i found a reason to dislike living at home alone - having to remove cockroach corpses. and doing all the laundry and dishwashing and cooking and floor washing.

2011-09-06T00:26:00.005+08:00

a very silly thought - i want to leave and have an excuse for being alone. That aside, it'd really be nice to experience life somewhere else, if only we had the means to. So many people are going to study abroad. I wouldn't mind canada where Ada is. Well, if only.

John Mayer - Stop this train

2011-09-04T16:53:00.002+08:00

yesterday/today was, i feel, simple and nice. 20 didn't feel long at all.

we'll be exchanging pins and conversing with buttons soon.

short sentences are enough to remind me of things i want to remember,

things that are close to our hearts, linked to our minds will not be forgotten.

Ephemeral

2011-09-01T01:29:00.002+08:00

You're like an ephemeral stream.
One that appears often. And disappears.

I'll drink from it while i can, let the taste linger when i can't.

2011-08-22T20:54:00.003+08:00

so who stopped caring first?

Humans are powerful beings. I just made you disappear from my mind. No force, no resistance, nothing. Just poof,

and you can make someone disappear. And it's real.

Reality is in your mind, all in your sane or insane mind.

i don't mean 'just' in your mind. it is your reality, all that matters.

i mean, it is if you think of it that way.

Hearts Revolution - Digital Suicide Lullaby

2011-08-19T21:12:00.001+08:00

黑色幽默- 周杰伦

stuck in my head.

don't want september to arrive, week's been good so far.

Cupid must have been drunk

2011-08-18T09:29:00.005+08:00

It must have been drunk that night,
Shot just one of us, and with a needle instead.
In daylight or in moonlight, its sharp end
finds its way to me, scratching for cells outside
the heart. To put it under the microscope.

Whoever owns the microscope must need a needle.
My eye is a piece of glass, i am getting a hangover.

Why shoot with a needle, a blunt one at that,
Strike me with one shot, will you? Reincarnation
exists, for eyes to search for someone else
who has been struck. Not just any unwounded soul.

Not one who calls my name, thinking that alone
will bring comfort, or that smile. Cold as
stone. Warmth is temporal, conditional, will not
reach your core. Who are you? It's a question.

But recently i found i am good at spinning a world out for myself.

Besides, it's only what i felt then, at that time.

Changes.

D

2011-08-16T01:15:00.003+08:00

A dull documentation of my life: -

Expression of feelings has little value, for now: -

Meaning can be found in the abstract, and spaces of our minds. Closeness: not just soul-baring, woeful sharing sessions, also not just sharing of thoughts, not just intimacy. But all. And closeness is a temporary state, unless significantly close for a long period of time. Significant. And not just felt on one side.

Separate entities. When will we ever speak; Of shared experiences and condolences, none.

feelings are just feelings, they do not serve anyone. But don't reject it. Remember how it can make you feel, and channel the energy to finding out why you are feeling so.

And it is difficult to trust someone enough to accept your flaws. But we can't control what others think of us anyway, so let them judge till they see no need to judge.

Letter

2011-08-14T09:47:00.002+08:00

Yesterday evening, i wrote a letter to my teacher and it made us both smile.

I

2011-08-11T16:53:00.002+08:00

I will write about copenhagen, venice, and even rome after my exams, 6 months after the trip. For then, i will know what are the emotions and memories that still stick; i will flash the many photos i have taken (some tainted with bad memories and others remind me of my role and the space i am given in this.. Space i have to share with everyone else). Familiarity is such a nice feeling, the kind where you look at photos others have taken and go 'i have been there, i have been there!!'. What else fuels the excitement?

Yesterday, i looked through a few photos i was tagged in and felt strange. Roughly, this was what i said: isn't it strange how we look the way we are? Look at the mirror/photo, see a person staring back at you, how strange and surreal that the person is... You. Feels like we know ourselves better than our faces, so foreign. What do we know about our own faces, besides being able to recognize it?

It's barely uncomfortable, just surreal. That weird feeling that you actually exist. You hear of stories, of things others tell, and there is 'I'. What exactly is 'I'? Not 'who am I', but what is 'I'.

2011-08-05T19:05:00.009+08:00

"A relativist cannot say that all human beliefs are subjective - except the belief that all human beliefs are subjective".

-

A quote from a book I bought recently, the only copy they shipped in. Couldn't resist buying it and now I have to resist reading it. It is, fortunately, tucked away safely on the shelf. Maybe I should lend it to a friend or something.

A chapter reads, "Ishmael's problem & delights of keeping quiet".

-

Recently, all I've been wondering about is the point of speaking. What is the point of speaking, why do we need to express ourselves, why the need to show others who we are -- one afternoon I tried to conclude it's only because we cannot live alone. My reason being, we speak to find people similar to us, have people agree with us, listen to others' point of view and share ours to find out if we're similar or different etc -- mostly to have people with us, accepting us, to be on our side.

(conclusions are, of course, subject to change.)

And then I realised my questioning was all based on my rejection of things, this previous thought based on my (subconscious) rejection of dependency. The inability to live alone is pathetic, which is shaped by a thought based on experience: being dependent equates to getting into a wreck eventually, so one should never be dependent.

And so I asked myself, if we speak only because we don't like to be alone, and the inability to be alone is unacceptable, why speak?

-

If so, each question might be born out of a personal need to resolve a personal conflict, in the disguise of a universal statement: if my questioning was driven by a subconscious thought, and the 'conclusion' I came up with at that time was simply an answer to make myself feel better...

what are 'answers' other people tell us? Is it not simply their answer to their own questions, based on their experiences? Are the only words we can trust words said by people who understand themselves (and their subconscious) fully? We might never know if anybody has fully achieved that, and in that case,
the truth -- is almost non-existent. Almost.

-

That conclusion is only my conclusion. And it is flawed. Flawed only when I try to think: is this the truth, do people agree?

Which conclusion is not flawed? Create something at any point;

1) Even in my perspective, it will change with time;
2) from the perspectives of 10 other people, that creation looks different in 10 different ways, right from the very start.

-

Isn't whatever I said true? Of course it might not be true.

And so the learning point of today: put might behind everything.

2011-08-05T16:53:00.002+08:00

"I know I suck, but I love you.
And I hope that should suffice."

Came across this and I don't know if it makes too much sense.
Loving someone like you love a possession won't suffice. Then which kind(s) of love would actually suffice?

such confusion.

-

Feeling non-anti social for the first time this week, maybe cause I saw linette and sarah yesterday. happy birthday sarah :) i'd bake you a cake every year and smash it in your face .. my computer screen.. the bottom of the first page should make the most sense.

now, to reply to the texts I haven't replied to since monday.
It's been a quiet week, a night with my cuddly toy.

It's not very nice.

2011-08-01T22:24:00.004+08:00

words swallowed by time -
faces whiz past slowly, down the corridor
spot my print on the wall. A picture for memories.

i forgot how to fake that smile. i wish people never knew how.

find myself a place to hide, tear the crowd away.
No physical space, no black hole, no sand dunes,
can't hide my body anywhere - they'll find me.

but my body can hide me.

no one can find me when i hide in my body
where i can be small and hide in my fingertips
and be on my own.

rather be alone if there isn't you, you, or you.

2011-07-30T23:21:00.004+08:00

I have a phobia of crowds and meeting acquaintances.
I am not used to seeing crowds and crowds of students.
I wish I were more sociable and friendly and could talk more.

The best part of today was mini will run at the park.
And I'm sorry I might've let the atmosphere dip a little :(

2011-07-25T22:19:00.004+08:00

I have a speck of sand - I say that triumphantly.

Stab me, cut me. I now have a heart protected with stone.

One day I will blow it away, reveal the tenderness. Expose it. It will bleed, and bruise, and tear if you harm it - but no one will ever be able to harm its core. A core of diamond, or a mother of pearl.

The days of last year, the miserable days. They were droplets of rain, a drizzle, a thunderstorm, a monsoon, all sorts of horrible names I hurled at the sky. Signals for my paper heart to cover itself.

Now I wake up and discover it had been a sandstorm all the while. A piece speck of sand has entered my body, an irritant. An irritant I will line with nacre and transform into a droplet of pearl.

That will be a wish I will hold onto. Wishes might come true.

2011-07-25T22:11:00.003+08:00

We are all knights and soldiers -

Words at the back of my mind, unable to escape. Wait for the day for them to burst out, like bright bubbling magma which turns into lava. These days, I have to wait, and wait, to be able to express myself. My feelings like frogs trapped in a well, unable to escape till the well is full for them to be able to float back up. Thunderstorms will fill the well; but kill them too.

But nothing should kill me now. My armour, my shield, they protect me from the rain. First i built one made of paper, then thin veils of plastic, then metal. Nothing will harm me. No showers of blessings.. so I tell myself it is alright as long as I am safe. One day, my knees will give way to the weight of this armour. Let that day come, like how I have been destroyed in the past, unprotected.

I am not recognizable anymore. Not just me, everybody. Most. All of them have built this armour before I did. Felt their cold metal pressed against my soft, skin, vulnerable. I am more human and I can feel, I used to think. But we all learn to succumb to that, supposed strength.There is no point in getting close to cold, hard skin when they can't feel you, touch you, sense you, love you. Why risk getting hurt when you can learn to build a suit for yourself.

-

We are all knights and soldiers.

Two lucky soldiers may embrace, clink and clank, they perceive it to be pleasant sounds. They get used to it. Some soldiers hurt the ones who throw themselves onto them. Some die, and some learn to be part of the army. Join the proud knights!

But the luckiest ones; they both throw their armour away.

2011-07-22T19:28:00.001+08:00

If you're sandwiched between two people, an intimidating giant [change to: any object representing your greatest fear] facing you, and the back, (anybody, could be a harmless baby). Who would you want to remove, given you can only remove one?

Think the standard (or rather, universal) answer would be "the person behind", for we all hate uncertainty. (even if the person behind could be a baby. BUT it could be a man with a knife as well.. but well, it could be a harmless baby...).

There is also the intimidating giant [or any object representing your greatest fear] in front of you which could represent confrontation, something most want to avoid.

If the chances of the person behind being harmful is only 30%, would the results be different? If it's reduced to 20%? 10%?

(Still, I think I'd pick the choice of removing whoever's at the back)

2011-07-22T19:23:00.001+08:00

20th July 2011 - the death of Lucian Freud

I do not feel like explaining why he is my favourite artist, or why I love his works so much. This entry serves as a record.

I can't say I'm very sad, or affected, because he is not someone close to me, and has not exactly "changed [my] life". I don't want to say "it is a loss for the world" because I feel this on a more personal level. Well, for now I'll leave it at "I really admire him".

The word 'love' degrades it's meaning/worth. Saying I love "xxx" sounds so pointless and, for the lack of a better word at the moment, surface-level. Should I use the words interested? intrigued? attracted? It is a combination of many kinds of emotions/reactions I get when I look at his pieces. To sum it up, I might use the phrase "I'm drawn to his pieces". Some intense, some disturbing. And I can't figure out the rest until I look at them one by one.

A few of my favourite pieces:

John Minton
I think it's simply impossible to not feel anything. His eyes..

Naked Girl Asleep II

I seriously, seriously dislike looking at naked bodies [i have no idea why] but these are different because this 'nakedness' conveys a message (message sounds so preachy, but you get my idea), and the sense of discomfort and vulnerability is so... disturbing. It's the extremely disturbing quality of "naked girl asleep II" I like. (girl naked, arms and legs wide open. one would normally curl up. and not be able to fall asleep). (I've talked about this last year. And many times for my art teacher, in class)

Two Men

The contrast between the naked men and the clothed one. I sense discomfort looking at the naked men, fast asleep and it seems as though he feels safe and protected. (looking at his sleeping position) When he's not, obviously. (He is butt naked even if it is just the back view!) The clothed man's hand resting on his calves so provocatively, that rather satisfied look (i feel) makes you wonder what he's thinking about.

At the same time, it looks rather 'pure' because both are sleeping so comfortably next to each other and you think "what can possibly be wrong?" The tension might be imagined (from the viewer's POV). But the first impression it gives is so tense..

A site describes, "fraught with underlying tension".

2011-07-20T00:18:00.001+08:00

If I can change the way my world looks, the way our friendship looks so easily, even overnight, - just by changing my point of view, then how does (our) friendship look like to you? It is, in fact, ever changing. And so.. intangible. (then again, the beauty lies in this intangibility)

What does a 'stable' relationship (using friendship here sounds odd) mean, how can things be stable when this big word 'relationship' is purely made up of thoughts we have of each other? (MY thoughts or YOUR thoughts about this connection, not OUR thoughts about our connection. These three are all different).

But I realise it is only because I don't love enough, that I'm able to change my perspective/views about you/our friendship so easily.The connection between two are made of these views we have of each other + love (which is built upon the first) (or something that cannot be reasoned) + (things I do not know of yet). Sometimes I feel love is like a chemical. Two are bounded by it, and the rest supported by reasoning.

[I am actually a little unsure of what I am talking about now, there is definitely a missing equation].

Or rather, I don't know if there is anybody I love, enough. That is how you stay independent, and able to survive. But I am beginning to think it is wrong. There is no rejection, but there is no true acceptance either.

On Sunday, she reminded me that:

To put it mathematically, if the success of reaching out to a person (person you're reaching out to does not reject you) is likened to a star, your chances of being successful is (almost) a hundred percent, and the addition of a star gives you an even higher chance the next;

imagine how beautiful the numbers would turn out when the first try earns you (1), 2nd try gives you (1) + (2), 3rd try gives you (1) + (2) + (4), so on and so forth.

It is not to objectify, desensitize (or whatever what I should use here) the (i feel, sacred) act of initiating conversations. It is just that such illustrations are much easier to understand. Clear, objective numbers.

If there is one thing you should know, I really dislike the act of reaching out to others. Beneath it lies my greatest fear.

2011-07-19T23:14:00.002+08:00

Good dreams are the way to start a day. The physical touch - it is just skin contact yet it is so amazing for it evokes so. much. emotion. So comforting. All I remember are emotions, feelings and visuals from my dreams.

Reading responses that makes the world feel like a better place, and sending messages about it are also good ways to start a day. When in an argument with someone you care about, first listen to what s/he has got to say, and where s/he is coming from. Arguing about who's right and who's wrong comes second to stepping back to think about any mistakes you've made, not just regarding the main issue. (eg. whatever you did to cause a misunderstanding, tone of speech) Because you'd want to remember the people you care about on your last day on earth, not the number of arguments you've won (and causing tension during the process)

2011-07-16T23:55:00.003+08:00

Went for the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber concert at Marina Bay Sands today. It was indescribable. they played 'til I hear you sing' and i squeezed her arm, thinking how wonderful the music was though it was my first time listening to it. the live band/orchestra was a small one but the solos were SO good.

Adrenaline rush, waves of excitement, like the fluttering of wings, my heart about to take flight. How it felt exactly. (my description lacking, of course. And there are feelings you keep within you and will never forget) I must remember how that feels like, it is only during these moments that I feel that connecting with someone is truly possible. It is only during moments where you're experiencing something you truly love that you feel like a whole; complete and fully able to share your happiness with someone else.

And phantom of the opera came on, then the cats medley; curtain close. Round of applause. We left the theatre for intermission and i waved my hands in the air, screamed silently (to myself), unable to contain my excitement.

Act II - Pie Jesu, one of my favourite songs. Backdrop: blurred images of stained glass in a church (which reminded me of the tranquility of the Notre Dame church. Three weeks ago). Organ music and the purity of two female voices. Then came the famous dumdumdumdum from phantom of the opera, the audiences gasped. Who doesn't know Phantom of the Opera? Familiarity helps us appreciate something much more. So the crowd cheered after Christine belted her highest notes and collapsed onto the floor --

-

The night was nothing short of wonderful as well. We had ice cream before walking home. There are people you can speak to even after years of separation. You don't even have to be close or exceptionally close, or think about what the future will bring.

I am tempted to watch lion king. Correction, I WILL watch lion king. Made a mental note to myself that I'll attend concerts and musicals and plays regularly in the future to get in touch with myself.

There are only two things that can fill my heart: people I love and things I love. (honestly I don't think there's anything on earth besides people and things). Time spent moping about loneliness can be better spent playing the piano because it fills you, even if in a different manner.

One last thing I thought about: Always record any changes in the way I think. And the music reminded me of our talk about regretting not finding any person short of perfect. There must be something greater than the connection between the minds/spaces of two people. This something greater is something that will connect us without the need to speak. Something that will make our hearts soar together. And that perfect person must love that greater thing. The sound of an orchestra...

Deconstruct socoal construct

2011-07-15T20:18:00.002+08:00

Deconstruct the social construct.

I thought, it is easier ti discover

2011-07-15T00:51:00.002+08:00

I thought, 'it's easier to discover someone's true self by the things she posts and not by your conversations with her' while reading tweets. All of a sudden, that felt a little strange. (still dislike tweets to a certain extent)

Revealing ourselves via platforms like twitter, facebook and blogger is so much easier than opening up to a friend/friends personally. i mean, i can't imagine taking my blog down and telling someone whatever i say here.

On one hand, it feels like we're being more open about ourselves. On the other hand, i think we're acually being more closed up. Closed up to actual human interaction.

Correct me if this is merely my opinion and not something closer to the truth, but I think these platforms reveal the fear of rejection in us. Or maybe the ongoing search for acceptance. Does no acceptance = rejection?

Posting on these media platforms allows anyone to comment. (anyone means: a wider audience, no specific target audience, meaning higher chances of getting responses. Getting responses = acceptance?)

Talking to a friend is not an easy task for we have to find the 'right time' and we don't always get the sufficient response we want. And i feel awkward sharing my thoughts sometimes.

Tonight i'll ask myself why

2011-07-11T23:52:00.004+08:00

When I'm tired and about to break down, I run away.

This has got to stop.

I said I'm still changing only out of the need to understand things, not out of security or dissatisfaction. But I feel I should stop running away. Is this out of dissatisfaction or just understanding the need to face things? Not like it matters for now. Just stop running away.

-

Tonight I feel so distant from every one.

2011-07-11T00:35:00.007+08:00

Something hit me strong and hard today.

(at *this* point in time, this is what I feel)

I suddenly feel that I cannot commit to someone for life, because I am constantly changing. Yes, I might marry a man who embraces changes too and you will ask "so what is the problem here?". The problem is, what if we don't change at the same pace, the same way? Just because we're one, we're a couple, we live under the same roof, does not mean we'll go through the same experiences (and even if we do, we will react differently).

Friends come and go. Because we change, we grow up in different environments, we realise our views are different and we move on. But when you choose to commit to a person for life, you cannot do that, you can't move on.

So do we marry someone only when WE know our personality won't change much and HIS personality won't change much? But still, under circumstances, (eg. your ego-filled husband gets fired from job), people still change. And change to become incompatible with you. What will happen next?

We start dating in university and move on to marriage. Surely, it is not possible that the person you're dating now at the age of 21, 22, 23 will not change. People say that we should always work things out between two people, but I feel it is so tiring and at the end of the day, you think - what for? Why work so hard to compromise?

Sometimes I feel we compromise and give in due to loneliness and fear - afraid to die alone, afraid of pressure from family, afraid of being the outcast (friends all married with children and you still single).

Sometimes I think failed marriages are essentially due to the incompatibility of two beings, the rest are just triggering factors. Surely, he will meet someone better than you, but if he is satisfied he will never run away from you.

It is only possible to commit to a man who is exactly the same as you, will change the same way as you do. But that is impossible. Because I do not know who I will be in years to come as well. What is commitment? What is love? A relationship?

-

That said, I very much want a good, healthy marriage in the future. Or actually, all I want is the wisdom to know how to handle relationships/friendships properly. But regarding marriage, it just seems so.. impossible right now. Well, I'm still young.

Maybe because I'm still in a state of change and cannot understand the world fully with my lens that is not fully developed. Maybe that's why people generally get married after they're 26.

I have so much more to learn.

2011-07-10T00:41:00.004+08:00

things that matter:

9th - the three of us met up, sat somewhere in a hotel after lunch (at ippudo) and had a talk about people, friends, marriage and attraction. (amongst other things) Distance or time can't mess with connection that much; I wish we had more time.

8th - dinner and auditioning of earphones with my friend I disturb over the phone, and who is now not in Singapore, enjoying the leave. (side: bumping into friend at ion)

2011-07-08T10:42:00.008+08:00

It was a thursday and it was a good day. I got out of the house and got in touch with a new me. (my intention was to lock myself at home at first, but there were unforeseen circumstances) Also, I managed to have a better control of myself; put down my insecurities. What I wanted to say (text) also made me discover how highly skeptical a person I am, and I am determined to erase that part of me.

I do not want to place expectations on people any longer, if it is within my control. Or I will try to control it. I used to think expectations come naturally with love. It does, but it isn't what love really is about, it used to come in a package but now I realise love exists even stronger without expectations. Forcing myself to put down my expectations for someone felt like letting go of (the love I have for a person), and for a moment, it feels like the person is out of your life, but when when you're finally able to come to terms with yourself and your (possible) friendship/relationship with a person, it comes back even stronger when you do not impose your ideals onto another person. Letting go of two important people in my life in the past has turned them into more important people to me later on.

"You are constantly changing". For now I can accept it if anybody can't accept who i am (right now). But I feel we can love a different him/her and still love him/her. That perhaps means the acceptance of all sorts of characters. And maybe that means accepting everybody else as well. Less hatred on earth.

Today, I am comfortable with who I am.
Today, as in, not yesterday.
Hopefully it'll mean tomorrow and forever.

and I don't have to be a 'better' person.
I mean, better doesn't mean anything.

2011-07-05T22:22:00.003+08:00

convert loneliness to productivity.

Yesterday, I got out of the house for the first time after I coming home from the Europe trip. Besides the half an hour used to get the Music of Andrew Lloyd Webber tickets and Sara Bareilles' album the other day. I. cannot. wait. for. the. show. Andrew Lloyd Webber hereee we comeeeeee!

I haven't been able to fall asleep lately, takes me at least an hour and a half to shut my eyes to slow jazzy music or soothing classical music. I figured at the half an hour mark that slow music or not, it does not make a difference, so I switched to my band playlist. And felt my heart soar.

I'm not exaggerating when I say it's empowering. I lay there on my bed and jacked up the volume so every single note and beat could fill me. Tried to pick out each instrument like I used to and every note from the pieces we've performed is tagged to a certain emotion. Mostly of not being good enough but I've never ever regretted picking up the flute, even if a little late. My wildest dream is to join a band or orchestra. Thought of how I shouldn't care if the rest think I'm not good enough for my age. It's different with the piano cause it's mostly solo or duet and chances to perform are so rare unless you're Godly or something. Hope I haven't lost my embouchure.

Shall starve my ears tomorrow. I think I've killed them today.

End of dear diary post

2011-07-02T00:50:00.006+08:00

The connections between you and I are strings.

The ends were starting to fray so I pulled them away from me, to protect myself. I don't want to see them slowly disappear, for you burn off a little more of it each day. But as I pulled more and more strings out, I notice there were only a few left.

I am now a rod, empty and bare. What protection is there?

Not doing anything about it, just standing there.
Too afraid to care.
The precise thing that causes it to wear.

But as I reflect, maybe I was the one who made all of you feel insignificant first. Afraid to reach out first. I thought that part of me was already gone.

2011-06-30T00:28:00.009+08:00

(I'm finally able to post after blogger had been down for God knows how long)

My poor neglected blog. Well, it's my birthday today and when you're nineteen birthdays really don't feel that special anymore. Last year I said the same (replacing "nineteen" with "eighteen" of course), mostly to avoid disappointment and in an attempt to convince myself, writing an entire bunch of words about birthdays and what not. (My friend once said we sometimes write only to convince ourselves and well.. it is the truth sometimes) Now I feel like i don't HAVE to say anything. But I feel like it anyway.

My mom walked into the room and said "happy birthday! You are now a year older!"

I am NOW a year older? All of a sudden you don't know what is so special about this day, i grow not on specific dates but experiences and sometimes you don't even know you've grown until the storm is over and you're now at a new place, and old people remind yourself of how much you've changed.

What is time? I don't know what time is, I believe in changes and aging, but what is time? Those numbers on the clocks, created by men. If we lived in a world without time, but only change and aging, what will be an indicator of me growing up? Not into a 19 year old girl but someone who knows more about the world? Or?

We grow older everyday and everyday should be celebrated, then.

-

Anyway, I was still pleasantly surprised when I heard the doorbell ring, thinking it was my mom. Hugged the pillow, peeped through the peephole and saw a girl (office lady, more like) with a cake in hand. Decorated with turquoise whipped cream and the words 'for emma'. It really reminds me of the disc we received when both of us went for "a game of you" :) Thankyou so much!

And my dearest friend who called while studying for her chemistry papers the next day :D

and all the others who wished me, some more sincere than the rest, when the words 'happy birthday' are the same. Because I feel more close to you. I feel slight discomfort when someone i don't really know well wishes me on facebook, for i wouldn't care to do the same to anyone anymore. Or should I appreciate the fact that they bothered to type something though we don't really exist in each others' lives?

Should I even think much of it?

-

I shall end this here.

It's been a pretty quiet year as I spent it alone at home with things to do but I don't have to say anything about it :)

Europe was great and I'll be done with the photos soon!

I like how the window of the shop -where we bought delicious pizza from- looks like a frame. I stood there for maybe fifteen minutes, thoroughly amazed by how the reflection and the flowers in the shop merged so well together. Now spot me.

Venice was my dream destination

But really, Copenhagen was my favourite city.
(followed by the very beautiful Venice)

2011-06-26T17:12:00.002+08:00

stay silent.

i don't care if you don't know who i am, what i can do. Just as long as i'm happy doing what i can do.

2011-06-08T12:31:00.002+08:00

Hong Kong > Europe > Hong Kong > Singapore

I'll be back on 28th (don't think I'll abandon this though)

2011-06-06T11:53:00.001+08:00

Must paint another disco ball at the end of the year.

2011-06-06T11:22:00.002+08:00

One line still echoes in my mind, it's not all about you.

I remember not picking up the phone call, "for you" because I was more interested to know who was behind the curtains. Remember slightly hurtful words that slipped out, when I thought nobody could hear, sense of fear when I realised she'd know what I said about her. I observed her after the show, a smile on her face. Please do not listen to the recording, I thought. Will I be the one to prick someone's ego?

It's not all about you.

-

2011-06-05T20:46:00.002+08:00

2011-06-05T12:23:00.011+08:00

Little Part 1

I surrendered, completely, and welcomed (the new?). What of the new? Mild connection for brief moments, myself not picking them up well, words not coming to me. I want to listen even if you thought otherwise, from the way I responded. My words; for the far future.

But you say, presence of a person. I feel, physical presence but not the intangible for we were in our own worlds. I tell myself, that is a form of comfort as well. Felt comfort like how I'd feel comfort alone, there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. Is there? Count the time spent, quality comes with time if expectations can be dropped.

The purpose we serve to fill a certain kind of void in each other. That purpose I do not serve in days to come. Old toys be cast away when a child grows. About that I shall not worry for I have surrendered,

already. Or finally.

I catch on - the quest to find out about ( )
and then I buried philo.

2011-05-31T10:15:00.009+08:00

3am last night, I shut my door and went to bed, because the world was too noisy, sometimes you need to feel this world is yours and yours alone. At least for a night.

And so I had my dreams, one of which reminded me how the slightest physical touch can be so lasting, I have not been close to anyone since the days of secondary school where bouncing like a bubble and holding hands with your friends are the norm. I woke up not wanting to speak to you anymore, disgusted by the way my subconscious views you; and then I replied to a text but the topic keeps diverting back to the person and I pushed my phone away.

Then I noticed the shut door; sudden wave of a feeling of great isolation - waking up first thing in the morning to find out that you are alone. I must have forgotten all about the shut door after my dreams because it hit me as hard as ever. I wondered what she was doing outside and if she had entered at all.

The urge to say good morning to her was strong, so I got up and did. All grudges from the previous night dissipated into thin air, the barrier I erected between us emphasized on nothing but the absence of each others' presence. She looked at me, smiled. I think we both would like to put the night behind us. I am glad that distance helped show how closeness is actually more desirable as tiring communication can be - I would not have realised this if I were not allowed to shut myself in.

Like this quote;

“I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits.”

Ludwig van Beethoven

-

She told me she couldn't sleep when I closed the door. I hid my eyes from her. Then told me about things she learnt during class, exercises, it was a comfortable moment. It felt simple.

When you look at your parents you feel like you do not know what love is at all. I do not know what love is at all.

-

Now, to work. For the whole day. Remember: long term.

2011-05-31T02:55:00.001+08:00

Remember: long term. And get a hold of yourself.

Now calm yourself down. Good. Now get to work.

2011-05-30T23:15:00.012+08:00

I must be well tomorrow

I feel like I am burying my sadness, deeper and deeper, no longer able express it. I feel immensely sad, and that is all I know. Where are you, the ones I used to hold so close to me? Where are all of you? Who am I to you?

Books surround me, the door is shut. I must not fall again. I do not know anything. Talk to people. But they merely remind myself of my presence for that moment of our encounter. Learn to drown myself in books in music in movies in art in creation in thoughts in myself, shut myself away in the process - forgo the chances to open up to others (if the doors are even open).

(so why do I not want her to enter?)

I will not fall. I must not fall. I definitely will not fall. If I chant this over and over, will I stand tall? I have lost half my heart and soon I will lose all of it. There will be nothing left. Not even ashes. Or air.

What hurts you the most might not not be loneliness. It is the promises given; I will be there despite my busy schedule, I am sorry I can't do anything. They are not lies, they are not. They mean no harm at all. Those are kind words, spoken genuinely, or perhaps in a desperate attempt to console me at that moment.

But I would rather you say nothing at all than to be left with disappointment, door of vulnerability open and shut in my face. I would rather wrap my heart in layers of cloth so tight that the ruby drops squeeze out so I can feel my wet skin and meet someone, anyone who might save me or let me die. Or I might find it in me to release the cloth bound so tightly.

This inability to express is killing me the most tonight. It is the most terrible feeling on earth, much worse than sadness.

I will not fall. I must not fall. I will be better tomorrow.

2011-05-29T01:40:00.003+08:00

Words don't flow the way I want them to. I've been writing on the public transport lately, the people probably stare but I don't notice. There is inspiration, but they are nothing without proper words, there isn't craft there isn't skill. Like the work I created last year.

2011-05-29T00:04:00.001+08:00

we made art today!

Abstract art, planned accidents, collaboration of two artists (one to-be full time, and one.. retired? No I won't call myself a retired artist because I will paint once my exams are over in just half a years' time. And we are 'official illustrators', both of us. Though I wouldn't say that makes me satisfied.)

I feel abstract is the best for the creation of an art piece with a friend for it is spontaneous and free. Working on a still life together might be quite disastrous for two perfectionists (I want to try that though, it'd be interesting to observe our interaction and how we'll deal with frustration or how we'll compromise) while this unplanned collaboration allows room for improvisations, flow of ideas and there are no mistakes - 'mistakes' can either be beautiful additions or a chance for improvisation.

squid lookalike

This is made with oil paint dissolved in oil, and black batik ink,
and our breaths through a straw.

it became a bit of a mess at the end due to the oil (our favourite piece not under lighting though!)

It looked like this at first.

(our first experiment piece)

-

I'm trying to not think what distance will do. Seems like the ones I talk to the most will be away from me very soon.

And I will be away for around 3 weeks :(

-

2011-05-28T23:15:00.006+08:00

We talked about how music creates an enclosed world for us and after a while we won't even notice the song for it brings us to someplace else.

I thought of how I was typing furiously away on my itouch on the train ride back home, completely oblivious to my surroundings while having 花事了 on repeat, and The rescues' My Heart with You during the ride to bugis.

Thought about why we all have a need to share our thoughts with people we can connect with even though out souls can feed on our own thoughts and inspiration. I speak to others because I want them to know this is me, and all I am looking for is someone I can connect with, someone who can relate to my thoughts. Having such a need is a joke when you can't achieve it at all as the person you are.

-

"we are all constituents of each other" - how much of our thoughts are individual? Everyday, we speak to people, read, observe our surroundings and they shape who we are. We are constantly in search of things we feel define us, and when we do, hold that close to us, and it will become us, an extension of ourselves. Any extension of our beliefs must stem from the words of someone else, or shaped by our experience from interaction with people.

I am already shaped by that quote, and the many other things I have heard today. I dislike the term "inspiration (from another)", but it is an undeniable fact. Books, words, experiences change us so.

-

On the way home, I looked at my bag which says "I like shopping" and thought, this does not define who I am though people will judge me, label me, put me into certain groups because of the things I wear, and the things I carry. I carried that bag because I couldn't care less, and slipped into casual wear because I was lazy - but people will look at your physical appearances and try to define you in a certain manner.

Clothes give us an identity only if we ourselves believe clothes give us an identity. Then the next moment a dress I really liked caught my eye and I thought "I want to get it!" for a split second - I guess the clothes we are naturally attracted to still kind of define who we are in a certain manner. I guess it is safe to define someone by their physical appearances on the day the feel they are themselves.

It is the first direct thing people can assess afterall.

-

The Rescues - My Heart with You

Perfect song for the above purpose.

2011-05-25T23:43:00.002+08:00

The growl of loneliness. Drown me in it let it kill me.

2011-05-25T00:01:00.002+08:00

This is so unreal. (although it is not happening to me)

Few moments ago I was thinking 'whatever will happen when you go? Who will I talk to?" - and you told me about the news the next. Seeing you so excited is quite unreal, I bet this whole thing still feels unreal for you. Or would you prefer the word surreal? It's a mixed feeling, I really do feel excited for you yet sad that you're leaving at the same time. And you're not replying now, are you jumping all over the bed or sitting quietly, waiting for the news to sink in?

2011-05-24T23:46:00.001+08:00

Hate post for the world today.

Zero human existence tonight, why oh why.

2011-05-20T14:20:00.005+08:00

touch sight tastes like fire
hands do now what eyes no longer defend
hands to fuel desire

(how irrelevant this is to the post,
I like it nonetheless.)

-

[ this lack of style in writing disgusts me sometimes. As though I'm writing a GP essay or something. What am I giving up in exchange for (attempted) clarity?

They say 'lost in emotion', but I actually feel even more lost. Not the lack of direction, but in the sense that I'm losing myself.

Who is this girl, trying hard to make clear links and equations? Who is this person, rejecting emotions when she cannot find the reason behind it? Who do I want to be, and what for? For the fear of falling back into emotions for they cause too much hurt?

The events themselves have not changed me, it was my conscious decision to change, a coping mechanism. To chase away fear. Worries. Insecurity. Have I closed my heart to this world? Where is this this ability to feel so immensely? I prided myself in it, and have now lost it.

Lost it? To what? Fear? How cowardly, how timid.

I am but another wandering soul now, not to be saved or redeemed till I can throw myself in one's arms, without this fear that has been with me all my life.

What is rejection to this magic that is love?

If you can even find it while you're alive, that is. Some people never find it. Those people die. Not just romantic love. ]

2011-05-19T13:57:00.004+08:00

The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition

A few picks with the word 'sweet' in my itunes:

(only because I typed in "swee" to find Johanna from Sweeney Todd, I should type in 'silen' (ce/t) tomorrow, for fun)

krezip/sweet goodbye
Glee cast/sweet caroline
Guns N' Roses/Sweet child O' Mine
Toby Lightman/ My Sweet Song
Norah Jones/ Those Sweet words
Beyonce/ Sweet Dreams
Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey/ One Sweet Day

The word 'sweet' does not feel happy and overwhelming when you stare it at hard enough, it actually looks abit odd. Also, it does not feel sticky and thick and lovey dovey to me today, not sickening either. It is mild taste of a speck of sugar on the tip of my tongue.